Friday 11/25/2005 11:27:00 PM

I would imagine there are people who go through their entire lives just the way I'm going through mine now. When you're a functional alcoholic you have that luxury. Whether or not that's a good thing, I don't know.

It's a precarious balance of control and powerlessness. And I spend most of my nights fearing that scale will suddenly decide to tip to the wrong side.

On the one hand, it's not interfering with my job or day to day functions. On the other, I can't go without it. I can wait til 11pm, but only because I know that waiting will eventually result in...

I didn't use any dvd's tonight. (That's how I trained myself to wait til later to drink. TV without commercials is so much easier to watch). Was just fucking around on the computer and listening to music. I made it as far as ten til 11. Will I drink less than four? That remains to be seen.

Do I want it enough? Probably not. Do I care, not so long as it's a nominal problem.

Still I can't help but think, functional in what sense exactly? I don't know. I may have a good job. I may even do it well. But still, lately, I don't feel so very functional.

In some ways I never have. And probably never will. No matter what.

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