Friday 11/25/2005 11:27:00 PM

I would imagine there are people who go through their entire lives just the way I'm going through mine now. When you're a functional alcoholic you have that luxury. Whether or not that's a good thing, I don't know.

It's a precarious balance of control and powerlessness. And I spend most of my nights fearing that scale will suddenly decide to tip to the wrong side.

On the one hand, it's not interfering with my job or day to day functions. On the other, I can't go without it. I can wait til 11pm, but only because I know that waiting will eventually result in...

I didn't use any dvd's tonight. (That's how I trained myself to wait til later to drink. TV without commercials is so much easier to watch). Was just fucking around on the computer and listening to music. I made it as far as ten til 11. Will I drink less than four? That remains to be seen.

Do I want it enough? Probably not. Do I care, not so long as it's a nominal problem.

Still I can't help but think, functional in what sense exactly? I don't know. I may have a good job. I may even do it well. But still, lately, I don't feel so very functional.

In some ways I never have. And probably never will. No matter what.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your site for a few weeks now. I found it one night on my 2nd glass of wine. I too, am a functional alcholic. A woman who everyone thinks has her act together. I'm good at my job, have good friends and lead a very functional life. Until around 8:00 p.m. Then it is time for the first glass of wine.Sometimes I can stop at just three, but most often it is four. But never anymore--I can't be hungover for work. I was struck by your writing because you are able to put into words exactly what I think and feel. I have memorized some of your lines ("when you drink everyday...your life is coated in it") I will visit your site often as I am contemplating my own ride and have to decide if I want to continue this way or do something about it. Thank you for writing and please continue. There are many of us out here.

softermaniac said...

glad you've found something worthwhile in my site.

when someone says your words echo what they feel, that pretty much fulfills your entire goal as a writer.

thank you.

sorry to hear it's because we share a common problem. if we have to be drunks, i guess we should consider ourselves lucky that we're functional ones.

best of luck on your 'ride'.

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