Monday 11/28/2005 12:50:00 AM

Have you ever loved someone you knew you shouldn't? Where emotion contradicts all cognitive reasoning. And all you can do is ride out the conflict.

I loved what he did. That being himself. And his addiction. I became what he loved. Not what he would love, but what I thought he might. I wanted so much to know him that I became him. In every sense. In life, career and habit.

I spent countless hours trying to figure out what I lacked. What he had that I wanted. And what in me was not worth his attention. His respect.

And now I do know him because I know myself. And we labor under our separate delusions of what we ought to be next. I know that we both lack the same thing. A belief in happiness. And that is why no matter how much we have in common we'll never be any better together than we are apart. Because even with him inside me I was still alone. And even as I was wrapped myself around him he was still so far away.

As if time could recontstruct the buildings we've condemned. Or that a common weakness could unlock the gates of either fortress.

It's easy enough to love whatever you happen to. And you can destroy your whole life looking for a way to make it love you back. But if it didn't when you told it so, it likely never will.

It's hard to accept. Especially when they tease you as they will with promises that tomorrow will be different. But unfortunately a lot of people will take advantage of that vulnerability. The more you love them, the greater opportunity they see to exploit that weakness.

I never would've known it if not for him, but in some cases the distance between what we want and what we have is the only thing willing to save us. From ourselves. From our own willingness to become whatever it is we think will make them love us back.

More than five years later I can ignore, but I can't forget. And I don't know how to undo all the things I did to understand him.

But I do understand him now. And everything he did. And I know what I lack. The willingness to keep letting him take advantage.

Love is just another lie we tell ourselves. Like god and santa claus. So that the world doesn't seem to big and harsh.

There's no happiness to be found in anyone until you first find it in yourself.

That is if you ever do.

Anonymous said...

thank you...all i can say is thank you...

Anonymous said...

So well said.

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