Thursday 11/17/2005 10:35:00 PM

They tell recovering alcoholics to live one day at a time. But what if one day is still too much? I live my nights in fifteen minute increments. 9:15 still sober. 9:30 even better.

I've been changing. Started out using DVD's of TV shows and movies I really like to train myself to lay there watching instead of sitting here drinking. They're a world apart. The bed and the chair in front of the computer, even though they're in the same 12'x10' room.

I've laid there on the bed many nights til 10:30 or 10:45 just watching various DVD's. Fifteen minute increments. That's the dosage I take sobriety in. Fifteen minutes at a time and an hour is over in only four injections. And now I can lay there watching regular TV and wait. Fifteen minutes at a time. It doesn't go by too slow. But still underneath the conditioning I am always waiting. Waiting for the prescribed time when my mind says it's okay now to have what I've been wanting from the outset.

I suspect the wanting never really goes away. Even after recovery.

When they said life isn't fair, they weren't detailed enough.

Like mismatched lovers, alcoholics and alcohol tend to do eachother so much harm, but still never stop wishing they could somehow be good together. Cause sometimes they even are. And it's hard to let go of they only good thing in your life. Even when it's the worst thing too.

Better? Worse? The Same? All of the above in some way or another.

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