Thursday 11/17/2005 10:35:00 PM

They tell recovering alcoholics to live one day at a time. But what if one day is still too much? I live my nights in fifteen minute increments. 9:15 still sober. 9:30 even better.

I've been changing. Started out using DVD's of TV shows and movies I really like to train myself to lay there watching instead of sitting here drinking. They're a world apart. The bed and the chair in front of the computer, even though they're in the same 12'x10' room.

I've laid there on the bed many nights til 10:30 or 10:45 just watching various DVD's. Fifteen minute increments. That's the dosage I take sobriety in. Fifteen minutes at a time and an hour is over in only four injections. And now I can lay there watching regular TV and wait. Fifteen minutes at a time. It doesn't go by too slow. But still underneath the conditioning I am always waiting. Waiting for the prescribed time when my mind says it's okay now to have what I've been wanting from the outset.

I suspect the wanting never really goes away. Even after recovery.

When they said life isn't fair, they weren't detailed enough.

Like mismatched lovers, alcoholics and alcohol tend to do eachother so much harm, but still never stop wishing they could somehow be good together. Cause sometimes they even are. And it's hard to let go of they only good thing in your life. Even when it's the worst thing too.

Better? Worse? The Same? All of the above in some way or another.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it is more like one nanosecond at a time. Time drags when you're in pain. Your relationship with alcohol sounds like my relationship with the alcoholic that I love. Purgatory and feeling more like hell all the time. I enjoy your posts. Thanks for sharing a part of yourself. Take care...

Anonymous said...

goddammit. i am back here again. he chooses beer and partying and his alcoholic friends over me. i am never even invited to join in. this is no fucking relationship, it is a fucking joke. i am worse off than he is, the bastard. i am tired of waking wishing that i did not have to face another day and knowing that i cannot let go because i guess i am a sick fuck in that the pain is better than a void, another loss, another failure. goddammit.

softermaniac said...

wow. i'm sorry. that sucks.

but i don't think it's your failure if your partner is a neglectful alcoholic.

the void's not so bad, so long as you remember to fill it again eventually.

i think the fact that you left these comments for a virtual stranger to find is indicative of your intentions. you want to end it, but you're looking for approval or reassurance from someone.

i can't tell you what to do in your own life, but i can tell you, it seems to me you already know what you want to do. it's just a matter mustering the strength to do it.

best wishes.

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