Sunday 10/30/2005 10:38:00 PM

There's always been this one person I could never understand. I kinda might've, almost, loved him. And I could never figure out if they knew that why they didn't take advantage. I was offering sex and good times. Little effort required. And yet they hardly wanted any part of it.

I think I started drinking partly to get closer to him. Dumb idea by the way. Only when I started with that I never imagined it'd become such a habit. I guess I was kinda self-righteous that way back when. I saw this alcoholic and I had a desire to understand him. So I entered his world in earnest. And Just assumed I'd never end up like him. That's what I get for being so arrogant.

Not to contradict myself, but in a way, it did bring us closer. For a while anyway. Sad really.

But now, after having spent several years of my life living in a similar way, I realize how it diminishes everything else. It tends to convince you that you don't want or need anything or anyone other than it.

I'm not saying he shoulda wanted me. But he shoulda wanted someone. Or something other than this. And so should I. But what we become eventually becomes us. Once that happens, it's so hard to find your former self again. That is if you're even in there to be found. And it's even harder to believe you'd ever want to be that person again. Better or worse... What it makes of you is comfortable. Familiar. And so much safer than facing what you were.

Who knows. Maybe he's fine now and I'm the only one who never recovered.

So why if all this drinking is getting to me don't I stop? Good question. I can't speak for the reasons of anyone else, but I don't think I want to yet. Maybe not ever. Why save myself now when I'm doing so well with this drowning.

The alcohol it changes me, but only because I want it to. It's not the problem. I am.

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