Sunday 12/25/2005 09:52:00 PM

He watches from a distance. And I watch him, though he's not really there. I see him in my mind. 2am full of wine and uneasiness. Staring at the empty cyberworld out there as it vaguely stares back. Alone on Christmas Eve. 5pm, Christmas Day, again we are alone together. Staring at those former paths overgrown. Watching as the footprints fade behind the cloak of life's persistence.

I wonder. No. Fret over how he feels. Is he lonely. Is it my fault because I couldn't settle for what he was able to offer.

What he never understood. What I don't guess he can. Is that I didn't want more. Just to know somehow that what I was getting was genuine.

But maybe. Sometimes, I think. It wasn't him. That no one could ever convince me of that.

Alone can be seductive. Like any other drug. We start out wanting just a little and soon we don't know how to escape it. Even when we know we've had too much.

See, I thought I was punishing myself when I left. I never imagined it could matter to him.

Alone together. It broke my heart many times, but sometimes I still miss it.

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