Saturday 11/12/2005 11:36:00 PM

I had to make up for lost time. I'd wasted 25 years. Some being the fat girl. Others being the quiet girl. I'd wasted it all. I had to hurry if I was ever going to live before I died.

So I took to the internet and proceeded to make date upon date. At first, for a little while I did it sober. Just as I'd heretofore done everything. As myself. That same shy girl who wore the glasses and the tomboy clothes. But that just wasn't working and my time was limited.

Some of my only good memories were created with the aid of alcohol. Without it I'd probably look a lot younger and have a lot more money, but I never would have lived. Not really.

So this is my dilemna. The source of my confusion. For all the bad it's done to me, still it's the only thing that ever afforded me the chance to experience a life that without it never would've happened. And while it proceeded to strip me of that life not long after, I never could've lost it if it hadn't give me the chance to have it in the first place.

Everyone's born to die, but some people sooner than others.

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