Tuesday 11/08/2005 11:34:00 PM

The problem is I need alcohol to write. I can't not write. It's all I have left to be. Beside an alcoholic.

I guess it's all related. The need to write. The need to drink. Both issues spurred by some other problem. But I don't know what the problem is.

I've thought about it a lot tonight and the passed few nights and I've finally come to a conclusion. There's something very wrong with me and it was wrong long before there was alcohol to blame it on. It's that wrong that is the reason alcohol ever got involved.

No one ever stays in my life. They always end up leaving or I push them away. Logic tells me chances are I'm the one with problem and not all those other people. Only trouble is, I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, I do. I know I can't cultivate meaningful relationships. Not lasting ones anyway. And I know I've had this problem since I was a child. And no, I didn't drink when I was a child.

So I know the problem, I just don't know why I have it. Where it came from or why it never left.

I guess that's why I'm so fond of alcohol. Because for a little while (a long while by my standards) it facilitated my building of relationships with other humans. But even alcohol has not sovereign over this curse. Eventually the spell it cast wore off and I turned back into a toad again.

In the fairy tales it's always the prince who's the toad and the woman's kiss that breaks the spell. In real life it could be anyone whose outsides don't match their ins. Whose words always comes out wrong. And the only kiss that can lift that curse is that of death.

I've spent most of my life living to die. Now I'm dying to live. But everyday I see less and less difference between the two.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, there's a problem. Aside from the misadventures one might have had in childhood, you have to factor in genetics. I'm a third generation alcholic and a writer myself, I've studied the issues long and hard. My daughter is 28 and the trend continues for a fourth generation...very bright, articulate, sensitive people who seem to have difficulty commiting to a relationship or to work. It's so hard to step back, and take the long view, to realize that there are other forces working on us from the society we live in. They shape and mold us in so silent and insidious a way, most people are unaware of it. My only advice is to jump right into the fray, seize the day, forget about being afraid to commit to anything, just do it. It is only in the physical act of doing something that the galaxy of thoughts inside our heads become something concrete, substantive. And even if whatever action you commit yourself to is wrong, in due time this will become apparent and you will have to move on to the next step. By such increments do we grow.

I've made my peace with my alcoholism; for some, life is not tolerable without the softening edge of whatever subtance we find in our "pursuit of oblivion." My only bit of luck, however, is that now, when I am so much older, I can finally moderate how much I drink so that I can still be fit to write the next day. I wish you well on your way to that moment...

alcoholic poet said...

thanx for all your insights. it's always good to see a new perspective.

of what and where do you write that i might read?

James Day said...

I just stumbled upon this post by mere accident, or was it? I realize this a old blog post, yet very insightful. I too find myself drawn to the bottle of poison for it numbs the pain. It is something that was passed down form my mother and father. I watched my mom drink anything and everything she could for most of my life. Now she is dying of lung cancer and I have given up my life to make her as comfortable as possible in these last days... weeks.... years.... Now, she is completely addicted to hydrocodone. It is a addictive life some of us lead, weak in willpower, strong on dependence. I like what you said there "In real life it could be anyone whose outsides don't match their ins." On the inside I am an graceful angel helping everyone in my path, outside I am a shy man, that has a very hard time relating to others.

apoet said...

good to know that my words have resonated with you. i hope they've been of some solace.

it's not so much about will power - at least not for me. it's about want. you have to want to change. then it's relatively easy.

best of luck to you.

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