Wednesday 11/02/2005 10:03:00 PM

Unlike most alcoholics I made my worst mistakes back when I was sober. Once I started drinking enough, not too much happened with my life after that other than more drinking.

There was the one time I'd spent the night drinking with, I'll call him a mutual sexual interest, and we hadn't officially been completely intimate yet. I was all set to go at it after four beers, but instead he wanted to leave. He said I was too fucked up. It would be taking advantage. And I started yelling and calling him a tease. How often in the history of all male-female sexual relations has the man been called the tease. And so vehemently? Not often I would guess.

But other than that little tidbit, I've experienced a very mundane form of alcoholism. It was only before then that I did all the stupid and self-destructive things.

Losing my virginity to a guy I barely knew and whom I knew only wanted that. Saying no to almost no one. Dating indiscriminately. My only purpose to degrade myself further. Going back to what's his name again and again fully aware nothing would change.

Not that all this drinking isn't self-destructive as well. And humiliating. But at least it's subtle. A kind of pain and embarrassment I can squirrel away inside these empty nights and hollow pages.

And unlike all those other people I let inside my life and various other regions, though it does as much, maybe more damange, it comforts me as it does.

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