Triggers

Someone asked me recently what the trigger was. Why I started drinking. Why it didn't stop. And I thought about it all day. Sometimes I just sit here with my beers thinking it was chance. An accident. I had a few and as sometimes happens, a molehill really did become a mountain.

but I know now. What it is. I started drinking because of people. Because I wanted to be around people and be able to engage them. I wanted to meet men and have sex with some. And that required being naked and small amount of conversation. Sometimes. I wanted to be like regular people. Who talk and laugh and undress. People who date and go out and have fun. People who answer questions with more than one word.

I started drinking cause it was a bridge to a world I couldn't otherwise find the ability to reach. I started drinking because I wanted to open up to people and make them willing to open up to me.

all my life thoughts and feelings had been reserved only for paper. I don't have a reason. That's just how I am. Not to be spoken. Only to be kept. Like secrets.. And one day I guess that bag of secrets got too heavy and I decided to open the drawstring.

it worked for a while. I socialized and sexed. And did all the things real girls do.

but we all know alcohol or anything of that nature is a false messiah.

I had some great times being the me the world couldn't see without it. Or rather, the me, I hadn't the courage to show otherwise.

but eventually it got too much and I reverted back to my true nature. Only moreso. Instead of releasing me from my cage the drug began to accentuate what lay within me. That fear. That distrust of anything that looks good.

I made some friends. And soon lost them. Maybe it would've happened anyway. Guess I'll never know unless.

triggers are curious like that. Especially when you're not really certain what it is you need to kill.