Sunday 10/16/2005 10:53:00 PM

When you drink every night you never really recover. It's subtle, but life is a permanent hangover. There's no headache. No pounding, except in your chest as you worry and wonder if or when it will end. But there's a cloud that follows you. Your life is coated in it. That grey, dismal atmosphere pervades. No sunlight can find its way through.

My biggest problem is that I've never wanted to live. And that creates an ideal breeding ground for addiction.

No, really, I've never wanted to live. I've done it out of obligation to family. Because the time I tried to end it and didn't succeed I saw the pain in my mother's face and swore I'd never cause her that kind of pain again.

Course, later on, I'd break that promise and try once more to rid the world of myself. Myself of it. There's nothing more humiliating than trying to kill yourself and failing.

It certainly makes one hesistant to try another time. Especially as you get older. Become an adult. Trying and failing could prove to be a worse punishment than just simply living.

So now I kill myself slowly. Steathily as it were. And no one notices that I'm dying.

And that is how I want it to be.

Hugh said...

I know a little something about failing at suicide. We are all on a slow but enevitable course there anyway. What's the rush? Stay awhile and in good health.

I'm sorry it hurts...and that you are hurting.

Anonymous said...

i feel ur pain.. i hav failed suicide attempts many times.. but in the end u give up.. u realise dat maybe dey failed coz ur not supposed to die yet.. enjoy wateva ur doin.. it mite make the best of u..

emeralda said...

he said you are the only thing that is able to get through this grey veil.
but alcohol at this point was only the last guard of a grey country he was on his way to leave. but there was this veil and he was always hovering above everything. he hated everybody including himself. he attempted suicide too, several times but now his opinion is that anybody who tries actually cries and whoever really wants to end this pulls the trigger and the trigger only.
he tried needles, pipes, pills and alcohol.
he almost died of alcohol poisoning the other xmas. and cheated on me drunk. he really tried to kille verything he loves.
the thing is he can kill himself
slowly as he wishes
and you can do
but you can't make me stop loving
no matter what
and one day maybe he will and maybe you did too, realise that he can try and hurt himself as much as he wants to
but sometimes
you have to stop hurting for the one who loves you
because sometimes
it is better not to be for oneself
but for someone else

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