Friday 10/21/2005 12:48:00 AM

I stay up pretty late nowadays. Don't start with the drinking til 10pm or later. Orginally I thought if I could wait til later I wouldn't drink as much.

I was wrong.

When I hear myself sober, talking to someone, not business. I'm appalled. Either there's more silence than any life should know or I'm a mean, leave me alone bastard. I don't know why exactly. Except that I've lost them so many times, if i must lose them again I don't want it to hurt.

I often wonder whether I have the capacity to interact nicely with anyone without the aid of alcohol. I seriously doubt it. I have my whole life as evidence.

I can't do it. I want to, but I can't. That's why I drink. Because I want to know them. And this is the only way.

And if they should come to know me in the process I hope they know I did it because I needed to know them.

Trapped inside yourself like I've always been, any exit will do. Even if it only leads further down.
There is love even in my anger. If you look close.

For every bottle that I drain. I empty one for you.

For that happiness that refused to last. For everything we almost were, but never can.

Every night I push it away. Drown it best I can. But every morning I wake up and wonder. How it might be to taste to you again. And if you ever think about. If you ever wonder how that might be.

Too many beers later, I think, we had our chance.

And now it's gone. Forever.

Like a broken record I wait for. But nothing changes.

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