Saturday 12/31/2005 09:28:00 PM

Last night I'd only had three beers and then I decided to go to bed. And so I did. And fell asleep fairly easily. I almost always have four. I used to have five for awhile. So first I was getting worse, does this mean that now I'm getting better? Is this progress?

How could it be. Not possible. When I know it was three beers years back that led me to four and later the four that led to five. I've only managed somehow to rewind a bit, but once I press play again those same scenes will inevitably unfold the same as they did then.

Go back far enough it was only one. Even further back, it was none at all. How did none become so many? Choices. Not bad ones. Not good ones. Just the kind you don't realize you've chosen until it's too late to take them back.

So now it's New Year's Eve. The one night it's acceptable to drink as much as you want. The night where you pass out then wake up to a whole new year. An empty notebook. It's just begun. And you can do whatever you want with it.

People make resolutions. To become what they perceive as 'better people'. I've never been one to make resolutions. I never could resolve anything. Not myself. Nor anyone. And the changing of the hours, the days, the years, whatever, never seemed to have much impact. Just numbers and labels. That's all they are. Imaginary sign posts in our minds we use to reassure ourselves about how far we've gone.

Why celebrate how one year melts into the next? Pretend it can help us alter ourselves. When in reality it only emphasizes how very stagnant we are.

Everything around us is in constant flux and yet, we remain true to our most abject of conditions. We use events like this to tell ourselves we do change and can. But the truth is, we're the one thing that doesn't.

istanbulwitch said...

we humans are the ones who created the calendar, thus the months and years.
We can tell by the sunshine and sundown that a day has gone by. That's logical. But who are we to tell months and years are gone by? Who are we to explain time?
3-4-5 beers and you call yourself alcoholic? Wrong.. I would talk more in the space of 1 bottle of vodka, 1 liter wine and 5-8 beers to call myself an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic and that's the minimum amount I consume nightly.

alcoholic poet said...

i'd like nothing more than for you to be right. but it's not the amount of alcohol you consume that makes an alcoholic. it's how much you need it.

fact is, if you can't go a day without drinking, you have a problem.

for every disease there are varying degrees of affliction.

mine is definitely more mental than physical, but a problem nonetheless.

a year is how long it takes for the earth to make one revolution around the sun. man only divided it monthly, bite size chunks.

and i think, time is also supposed to be the fourth dimension. but that's starts getting into stuff i really don't understand.

istanbulwitch said...

dear alcoholic poet,
I know a year is the time consumed by earth to turn around the sun.
But who decided that a turn around the sun means a year has gone by?
We humans... And it means nothing. What is sun? The emperor to tell us time? Earth keeps turning and we keep living. Not much changes until we die and that has nothing to do with the orbiting of the earth. That's why, there is no such thing as time in nature except for a day whcih can be witnessed from rise to down. Everything else about time is rediculous.

alcoholic poet said...

i think time is an actual entity whether we acknowledge it or not. but that keeping track of it and measuring it is a construct of mankind that perhaps we'd be better off without.

so i take it you're a big fan of that old Chicago song...

"Does anybody really know what time it is
I don't
Does anybody really care
If so I can't imagine why
about time
We've all got time enough to die
Oh no, no"

full lyrics

Anonymous said...

Thank you alcoholic poet. I am a nightly drinker of 3-4-5 glasses of wine and am surely an alcoholic. The idea that it is quantity and not need that is the problem may keep many from realizing the truth of their condition. I have been reading and will continue to do so as your words help me to verbalize my own experiences. Would that I could write like you.

alcoholic poet said...

no thank you, for finding something redeeming in my self-centered catharsis.

you needn't write well to verbalize those thoughts of yours. you need only to write.

sometimes it's helpful just getting it out of your head. it doesn't have to be pretty.

you should give it a try sometime.

best wishes.

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